


Five Nights

by 2_many_fandoms_2_little_time



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Asexual, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexual Remus Lupin, Asexual Sirius Black, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Love, M/M, Mentions of past self-harm, Mentions of past suicidal thoughts, Nightmares, Original Character(s), mention of characters, mentions of past suicide attempts, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 13:14:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14934941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2_many_fandoms_2_little_time/pseuds/2_many_fandoms_2_little_time
Summary: Remus always knew how Sirius was going to die since the day he fell in love with him. He just didn’t know which way. A story in which Remus told Sirius about his dreams and the five nights he didn’t get them.Also: a story in which Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are asexual.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My friend Eva](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+friend+Eva).



> All of the chapters except the prologue and epilogue have a song attached to them. The song embodies the chapter and I listened to it while writing the chapter.

Remus dreamed of Sirius’ death years before it happened. He dreamed it every night, without fail, except for five different nights. 

For a while, Remus didn’t know why he had these dreams about his best friend. Why were the nonsensical dreams about Snape splitting James’ head in two with a cauldron after eating Peter replaced by a never-ending series of dreams featuring the transformation from live Sirius to dead Sirius? He therefore watched his friend closer, trying to make sense of it. For a short period of time, Remus thought that maybe it was related to the increase in stress he had to deal with. They were, after all, in their third year, and new classes meant an increase in homework and difficulty. He studied Padfoot further, trying to find a connection. All he saw was the shiny, lucious black hair set against the beautiful brown skin and dancing brown eyes. Nothing different. Nothing new. The only thing new he could detect about this situation was a strange occurrence from himself. Sometimes, when Moony was studying Padfoot’s profile, Pad’s would notice his gaze and make eye contact. This kind of eye contact was different than the kind they usually made; the laughing look when Sirius and/or James had just made a joke or pulled a prank, the soft look when discussing personal problems, the angry look when Snape had made a crack about Remus’ robes during the first week of their friendship. This eye contact gave Remus the chills. It sent a ripple through his body and he felt like he could fall into those dark eyes and never want to come out. Moony didn’t know what this meant, but he was wise enough not to immediately share it with his friends. This was a perplexing ordeal he’d have to figure out on his own. It was only, a month or two later, when James was describing the exact same symptoms he was experiencing due to Lily Evans, that Remus realized what was going on. He liked Sirius. And the first night he’d had a dream about his death, why, that was the day Remus Lupin had fallen in love with Sirius Black.


	2. I. (Symphony ft. Zara Larsson - Clean Bandit)

The first night was the first time Sirius had kissed him. Behind the bushes, away from everyone else. It was the night of the Winter Ball in 4th year and the hired classical band was playing a symphony in the Great Hall, its sound muffled by thick, stone walls. Sirius and Remus had both left their dates, Marlene McKinnon (Sirius' 2-month girlfriend) and her friend, and had gone for a walk in the chilly, winter air. He wasn't sure what they'd even been talking about, something unimportant probably, when Sirius' hands had suddenly held his face and his lips silenced the words coming out of Remus' mouth. It was brief, much shorter than most of the other kisses they would share later, but Remus' world both revolved and dissolved around that kiss. It was maybe 10, 15 seconds and then Sirius pulled away. He looked deep into Remus' eyes and Remus' had that feeling again, that feeling that he was lost but he never wanted to be found. And then Sirius was gone, walking away and towards the Great Hall. Remus blinked. Only then was he aware of the cold stone wall pressed against his back. He took a breath and then headed back into the dance. He left not long after, mumbling about Defense Against the Dark Arts homework. The truth was, Remus could not stay in a room where Sirius Black was, not while his friend's eyes had been full of fire the first time they made contact after Remus had re-entered the Great Hall. It was a look Remus couldn't get away from. Not during a dance with Marlene McKinnon's friend, not while giving James advice on how to deal with his crush on Lily Evans, not while closing his eyes in his bed shortly after. The dreams of Sirius' death didn't visit Remus that night. That night, he dreamed of Sirius' hands cupping his face and Sirius' lips caressing his.


	3. II. (Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran)

Sirius’ lips chased away the dreams that night at the beginning of term their fifth year. Remus had missed Sirius way more than usual and, as was the norm, he had been unable to see him over the summer due to the rest of the Black family. The dreams had capitalized upon his longing and had presented him with scenarios that were far worse than what he was used to. Trying to distract himself from these dreams and the yearning he felt for Sirius, Remus had spent a lot of time at the Potter’s with James and Peter. But, no matter what he had done, Remus could not escape the desperate pull Sirius had on his heart. When he finally saw him on the Hogwarts’ Express, he was suddenly at a loss of what to do. The friends joked and laughed as usual all the way to Hogwarts, Remus stealing glances whenever he could. The rest of the evening was the same, the friends hanging out and up to the usual shenanigans, Remus taking quick glimpses of his friend. Sirius was acting the same as he normally did around his friends, no trace of evidence in his behavior that he had kissed Remus at the Winter Ball. In fact, they hadn’t spoken or made any sort of acknowledgment of their kiss since that night. Remus took his cue from Sirius and Sirius had gone on like it hadn’t happened. He didn’t see any reason Padfoot would change his behavior and so he continued on with the facade.

Remus was up late that night, even though classes hadn’t yet started. The obligatory Gryffindor party lasted until twelve, at which point the idiots still partying realized they had class the next morning and rushed to bed. It was one and Remus was still awake, crouched by the fire, scribbling notes from last year’s Transfiguration class onto a piece of parchment. He didn’t notice the boy in pajamas standing near the bottom of the staircase until Sirius spoke.

“You’re up late, Moony,” said Sirius, “has there been a change in the moon’s cycle I need to know about?”   
Remus smiled. “No.” He finished the sentence and then rolled the parchment up into a neat scroll. He set it aside and noticed that his heart was beating a little faster. This was the first time he and Sirius had been alone together, truly alone together, since Sirius surprised him with the kiss at the Winter Ball.

“So… what classes are you taking?” Remus asked stupidly. The four friends had already discussed their choices in detail.

“The usual,” Sirius said with a wry smile, walking towards Remus. They made eye contact and something in Sirius’ eyes made Remus look away, although all he wanted to do was keep staring. He got up, and with a wave of his wand, sent his books and parchment whizzing up the stairs to his room. Remus could feel the tension in the air and sought to end it.

“Was your summer alright? I know your fami-” He turned around and found Sirius standing right next to him. Before he could finish his sentence, Sirius’ lips were on his. His hands crept up to cradle Remus’ face and Remus felt more alive than he had in days, in weeks, in months. All that mattered was that he kept kissing the boy in front of him and never let him go. However, there was one problem. Breathing.

Remus broke away gasping. Sirius was breathing heavily, too.

“Your summer was that bad, huh?” said Remus. Sirius let out his barking laugh.

“I missed you,” he said, one hand finding Remus’ jawline. A noise from one of the dormitories made the two boys look and Sirius dropped his hand.

“Do you wanna-” said Remus, leaving the question open-ended. Sirius raised his eyebrow and Remus blushed.

“You know,” said Sirius, “I used to tell the girls about the silencing charm I learned from one of the seventh years.”

“Were you ever actually into girls?” Remus asked. Sirius smiled but Remus couldn’t decipher if that meant ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Regardless, they both set up the stairs and crept into the room with the plaque ‘fifth years’ on the door. The other boys were fast asleep but they still tiptoed over to Remus’ bed before Sirius whispered the incantation that would make sure no one else heard them. Sirius’ lips found Remus’ and they chased away any thought of sleep before the next day’s classes. He thought only of the warm tongue in his mouth and the hot hands on his body.

No dreams haunted him that night. The few hours of sleep he did get he got next to Sirius, limbs draped over each other and starlight hitting their faces through a crack in the curtains.


	4. III. (You’re The One For Me - Delta Rae)

Seventh year was Remus’ favorite year at Hogwarts, even though he knew it shouldn’t be. Seventh year was the year that Remus and Sirius held hands in the seventh years' dorm room, and sometimes, in the Gryffindor common room. 

Sirius had come out to his parents the summer break before sixth year. Remus wasn’t entirely sure why he'd done it, Sirius had known what would happen. The night he told his mother, he'd gotten the boot and had moved into the Potters' house with all of his stuff. Remus had offered to let Sirius stay at his house but had been turned down. James would be suspicious if Sirius didn't stay with him and he had yet to come out to anyone else. After the disaster with his parents, Remus didn't blame him.   
It took a whole year for Sirius to come out to James. It was the summer before their seventh year and it had taken a lot of Remus convincing him that James wouldn't care before he and Remus walked into the Potters' living room and Sirius took Remus' hand and came out to James and his parents. Mr. and Mrs. Potter embraced both of them and made it clear that they had their support and that Sirius and Remus were always welcome at the Potters'. After a second, James got up and gave his best friend a hug.

“Thanks for telling me, mate,” he said. 

Seventh year meant kisses in the dorm room and the common room when it was empty, smiles and winks in public that insinuated more in private. One of those private nights, during an interrupted makeout session (Sirius had forgotten to cast Silencio again), Remus told Sirius about his dreams. 

“So, how am I going to die?” he asked, voice a little off.

“The dreams are never the same,” said Remus, “every night's a new death. I guess the most common is death by dementor or death by veil.”

“You know they're just dreams,” said Sirius.

“Yeah, but I've had them every night except for two since I fell for you.” Sirius adjusted his position on the bed.

“What two nights?” he asked.

“The time you kissed me at the Winter Ball our fourth year and the first night of our fifth year when you couldn't keep your hands off me,” said Remus. Sirius chuckled softly.

“I wonder if that'll work tonight,” he smiled.

Maybe it did. Maybe Sirius’ hands and lips kept the nightmares away. Or maybe it was the way he held Remus, as if he himself would take the dreams that night and protect Remus from their influence. That night, the dreams stayed away and Remus fell into Sirius’ arms, held a little tighter than usual. He woke the next morning, face pressed against Sirius’ chest and held close by his arms.


	5. IV. (Impossible - James Arthur)

“Dreams can’t haunt you if you’re not asleep.” That had been Sirius’ refrain when he’d dragged Remus along some other adventure about the castle, the later grumbling about being tired. Sirius had never expected Remus to stay awake forever and that was what Remus was facing right now, the hard reality that he would have to fall asleep at some point. He was merely delaying the inevitable. The fact was, he couldn’t face seeing Sirius die when he closed his eyes that night. Not after he’d seen it in real life not so long ago.

His arms still hurt from the dull punches Harry’s fists had landed on them when Sirius had drifted and vanished into the veil. Just as much, if not more, shock and despair had racked through him as it had to Harry. He’d still hung onto the boy, knowing that it would have been Sirius’ dying wish if he’d been able to articulate it. They had all watched, helpless, as Bellatrix’s stun had hit Sirius and pushed him into the veil. If only one of them had pulled him back, there had been several of them, unoccupied at the moment, if only one, if only he -

Remus rubbed his face with his hands. If he’d only known, he would have taken that curse for Sirius, anyday. He partly wished he could take it now, too. But he couldn’t. He’d never been suicidal, even when he’d first been bitten. That had always been Sirius’ forte. There had been a few times where Remus had had to talk Sirius down but he had always been able to. After their relationship solidified, Remus had been able to guide Sirius through his depressive periods more easily and Sirius had had them less. Azkaban, of course, had changed everything.

Remus knew that Sirius hadn’t killed James and Lily and all those muggles but he hadn’t been sure who had. The next twelve years, Remus spent tracking down every piece of evidence he could, but it wasn’t enough. He’d never been able to find exactly who did it and proof to show the Ministry of Magic so they’d set Sirius free. 

Remus knew Azkaban had taken its toll on Sirius and he’d expected him to be an emotional mess afterwards. His expectations were fulfilled. Sirius had told Remus of the few times he’d attempted before giving up and the hundreds of scars lining his upper arms and legs. Remus had run his fingers over them gently, each damaged piece of skin wrenching his heart. 

“Sirius…” he said, voice weak. The other man looked into his eyes. These were not the same eyes Remus had gazed into in his years at Hogwarts. These were aged, different, haunted… destroyed. 

A tear ran down Remus face and then Sirius was crying, too, they were both crying, and Remus pulled Sirius head to his chest and held him and kissed his forehead and buried his hands in the mop of dark hair, holding him tight with the intention of never letting him go. He wished he hadn’t.

When Remus finally did fall asleep, he didn’t dream of Sirius’ death like he’d feared. It had been a nice dream, the kind with the setting of a dream you’d find in the mind of a nostalgic teenager. It was set at Hogwarts, warm fall air and a bright sun filling the castle, leaves, falling to the ground. Surprisingly, it was empty. No trace of students or teachers could be found. Remus walked through the castle, gazing at the familiar castle walls and well-worn staircases that were ever-moving. And then he came upon Sirius. 

“Remus!” he said, bounding towards his friend like the great, black dog that was his animagus. He pulled Remus into a hug and then let him go.

“Sirius?” Remus said, hesitantly, “what are you doing here?” Sirius smiled.

“I’ve come to say goodbye,” he said. “I can’t keep your terrible nightmares away forever but the least I can do is do it for one night.” Sirius reached up and stroked Remus’ cheek with one hand. “We should have had more time. Twelve years of it, and more.”

“If it wasn’t for Pettigrew, we might’ve,” said Remus. Sirius gave a short, mirthless laugh.

“Ah, Peter,” he said dangerously, “take care of him for me, will you?”

“I think Harry would very much mind if I did,” Remus said. Sirius barked out his laugh.

“Ha,” he said, “I’m sure he would. Just like his father. Watch over him, will you? Now that I can’t?” Remus nodded.

Sirius slipped his hand into Remus’ and they walked the grounds together. They had never been able to be this free before and they relished it, even though they knew it would come to an end. They walked through the halls and classrooms, the Gryffindor common room and their old dorm room, past Hagrid’s hut and the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. They watched the sun from the astronomy tower and saw its rays hit the lake in little sparkles that Remus took especial joy in and Sirius took especial joy from watching Remus watch them. They finally settled by the Black Lake, running their hands in the water before splashing each other, as if they were still in the seventh year, having one last hurrah before they would leave it all. This was when they chatted the most, recounting memories, talking about the new ones they would have liked to make. They lay in the grass, hands touching, where they had spent so much time before. And when they were finished talking, they kissed and they touched, knowing that nothing would ever be enough but hoping to get as much as they could.

Sirius stayed the whole night. He stayed until the sun on the Hogwarts grounds became overwhelmingly bright, at which point he smiled and gave Remus one last kiss. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it as the light expanded, filling everything that was, until Sirius, and everything else, was gone and Remus was opening his eyes.


	6. V. (Talk Me Down - Troye Sivan)

Maybe it was because it was the night of the Battle of Hogwarts and the air was full of anticipation. Just by the way the wind moved the trees, Remus could tell something was up. The air was alive. Remus had been thinking about how Sirius would have loved to be here, at the brink of battle, the tension and expectancy thick, waiting for the first move so he could leap into battle. Yes, Remus longed for his friend turned almost boyfriend and maybe that’s why Sirius paid him a visit. Tonks had relocated to her parents’ house with little Teddy, telling Remus to do whatever it was he needed to do and then go too. The house was all but empty, Remus sitting on the bed, facing the window with all its darkness.

He thought of his friend, of the dancing eyes that had been Remus’ downfall, the soft hair that Sirius had made fun of Remus playing with it when they cuddled, the lips that pulled him in with the threat of never letting go. Sirius hadn’t let go, he’d been dragged away.

Remus looked at his hands. A few tears had splashed them and he rubbed the remainder away from his eyes. He felt the absence of Sirius like a physical pain. He wanted him here, now, right next to him. He wanted it to be like the old days at Hogwarts, the later years when he and Sirius could be open in their Gryffindor dormitory, the other boys not minding, some even complaining that they’d wished they’d had the opportunity for sex so easily. Remus and Sirius had always laughed at this, neither of them actually interested in that kind of finagling at all. They’d been perfectly content with making out and cuddling.

Remus lay down on the bed and closed his eyes. He wished Sirius could fit his body into the crook of Remus’ like they had so often in one or the other’s four poster bed at Hogwarts. He missed Sirius’ presence to the point that it was almost as if Sirius had just been there but had left. It was similar to the feeling he’d gotten on the last few days of school every year. It was a campus full with emptiness pending. It was like he could feel the students’ and faculty’s absence in the future. But this was now, years and years later, and even now, he could feel the summer sun on his skin and feel the wind blow the heat through his hair. 

At some point, he fell asleep. The memories transitioned into a dream and he was back at Hogwarts except this time, it was dark and quiet, just like the world he’d been awake in.

“Missed me, Moony?” said a voice. Remus turned around.

“Sirius!” he said. He rushed over to the figure standing near the Black Lake. Sirius smiled wistfully.

“A fight’s brewing, though I’m sure you can tell,” said Sirius, “make sure you give ‘em hell, Remus. Just what they deserve.”

“So this is Hogwarts?” Remus said, looking around, “as it is right now?” Sirius nodded.

“It’s preparing for battle,” he said. He gazed over the dark lake and the nearby castle longingly. “This would have been the fight of our lives, Remus,” he said, “the one we dreamed about. It’s a pity I can’t be in it.” He smiled at Remus. “Fight like I would’ve fought, Remus.” He dragged one finger across Remus’ cheek and then everything was gone and Remus was once again lying in bed, wishing for Sirius to be next to him. Except this time, Remus knew what he had to do.


	7. Epilogue

Remus wakes up in his Hogwarts dorm. He knows it is his dorm, but it isn’t his stuff scattered around it. At first thought, he wonders if James and Sirius have played some sort of prank on him until he notices that their stuff is also nowhere to be found.

“I could’ve beaten him.”

Remus starts. Sirius is in the doorway, propped up against the frame. The memories start flooding back.

“Am I-?”

“Dead? Yes.”

“I was going to say in our old dorm.” Sirius shrugs.

“Well, that too,” he says. “It’s funny, you put us in our old room but didn’t manage to change the decoration. Seems you can’t do everything, eh, Moony?” He smiles.

“I couldn’t stop Dolohov,” Remus says.

“I could’ve,” says Sirius, presumptuously, strolling over to his friend.

“Really?” Remus says with a playful smile, challenging Sirius, “you never fought him in your life and you think you could have beaten him? May I remind you that I am a great wizard and Harry even says that I’m the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher he’s ever had.” 

“So you’re calling yourself a ‘great wizard’ now, are you?” says Sirius, “how unlike the Moony I know. If you weren’t dead, I’d ask you if you were drunk.”

“You don’t have to be dead or alive for me to know the answer to that question as it pertains to you,” says Remus.

“True, true,” agrees Sirius, “and back to the main point, Harry calling you the best DADA teachers he’s had isn’t much of a comparison.” Remus nods in smug agreement. The edges of Sirius’ mouth twitch. “Personally, I think you and Lockhart are neck in neck, but the both of you blow away the rest of the competition.” Remus wacks Sirius on the shoulder and the later bursts out laughing.

“Shut up!” says Remus.

“Make me,” says Sirius, stepping closer. Remus leans in and their lips meet and it’s just like their teenage years at Hogwarts and better than when Sirius visited Remus in his dreams. Sirius is warm and real beneath his hands and Remus can’t appreciate that enough. 

They break away when a scream cuts through the silence. It’s not your regular scream, this one is full of pain and anguish.

“Are we at Hogwarts?” Remus asks, “real-time Hogwarts?”

“I dunno,” Sirius says, “your mind is the one that created this. Helluva place to go right after you’ve died, I can say.” Remus grabs Sirius’ hand.

“Let’s go find out,” he says uneasily.

They walk down the stairs and through the deserted Gryffindor common room. The fire is out and it is dark. Stray things lie around the room as if tossed there at the last second. They make their way to the Great Hall, spotting rubble and blood stains as they go. Remus spots students he recognize and then - his body. 

“Well, this is weird,” says Sirius, trying to make light of the situation. 

“Yeah,” says Remus. He moves forward, gazing upon the other bodies in the vicinity. Tonks is right next to his body, her pale form still, eyes closed. Then he spots the Weasleys, they are all clustered around one body, a body with red hair.

“Fred,” says Remus. He hangs his head. “He was too young.” He turns to Sirius and Sirius wraps his arms around him and kisses him briefly on the lips. Remus knows he’s there, Sirius had always been there to some extent, but now he’s here for real. Remus hugs him tighter, pulling him closer, trying to not let the emotions overwhelm him.

“Let’s go,” Sirius says at last and Remus conveys his silent agreement. They leave the Great Hall and mourners, knowing that sometime soon they will know the extent of the deaths. For now, they walk the castle grounds, hand in hand. Hogwarts is at a temporary peace and it won’t last for long. The battle is halfway over and far away from being done. 

Eventually, they fell the pull of the Resurrection Stone. 

“Harry,” says Remus. Sirius nods and drops Remus’ hand. 

“A bit too much of a shocker for him right now, don’t you think?”

“I agree.”


End file.
